She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
