I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
