So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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