im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
