1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
