I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
