were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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