Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
