I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Randomize
