shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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