and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
