I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
