I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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