I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
