dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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