I want to make a zoo with you.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
