I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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