I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
