then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
