Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
