Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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