Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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