Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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