You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
