it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
