"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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