my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
