hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
