Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
