Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
