so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
