Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
