420 ftw
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
