I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
