You smell like a Billy Joel song
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
