you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
