my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
just tell him i said nine months
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
