sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
