I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
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