I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
