So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
