i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
