Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
