I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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