Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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