no, he came in my armpit
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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