My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
