Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
