Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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