There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Holy shit dude........stairs
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
