Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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