dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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