Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
