thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
