I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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