Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
