I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
A+ Viking dick
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
